Monday, March 20, 2006

Ambition, goals, and other personal matters

Ok so I just signed up for a really cool group goal. The goal of the group is to buy no crafting/art supplies throughout the month of April. To read more, go here
It turns out I'm not the only craft shopping addict. Thank God.
I have also decided to cut up all my scraps (paper and fabric) into usable shapes. Right now I'm looking at circles, squares and triangles for the fabric and I'm going to coluzzle the bejeebers out of my scrap paper. I have all these great shapes and tons of scraps that can be reduced to much more useful Items. It'll also make production a bit easier. I tend to use the same templates over and over again (otherwise why would I have bought them?) and it'd be good to have some of those shapes prefab so I can just grab and paste. I'm also looking at covering a bunch of boxes, folders and other objects with paper to revamp my office supplies.

I have also kicked Prozak to the curb. I wasn't thrilled with the idea of adding it to my ever growing med regime, and I'm happy to see it go. I'll let you in on something that a ton of people know. I have OCD (obsessive Compulsive Disorder), Clinical Depression, and a host of other medical issues that have very little to do with my mental health. I spend quite a bit of my waking hours trying to keep myself from doing drastic or irrational things. Rarely do I have a day when I'm not forced to analyze every action and word. I am very comfortable with myself, but I have the tendency to make those around me very uncomfortable. Especially when I'm having a bad day. For me, a bad day isn't defined by things like flat tires, bank errors, mean people or external forces that I have very little control over. Yeah they stink, but if I'm stable, I usually just shrug it off. A bad day for me is when I'm losing my grip on reality, when my perception of events around me is so skewed that I can no longer understand the most mundane of social interactions. The last three years have been very hard for me. Apparently the birth of my daughter triggered a chemical imbalance that has yet to be corrected. Every time I think I have the situation under control and a routine in place to keep me going, something shifts and I'm left off balance again. The only constants I have are the love and support of my immediate family (my husband, daughter and Mother-in-law) and my faith. Maybe I should say the faith God has in me. Even at my worst I know He's there, guiding me, listening to my sobs and hysteria, laughing when I laugh, and just being there. I don't want pity or sympathy. What I really want, is a few good doctors who can figure out how to put me back together again. A pill that can keep me constant, and the ability to know when what I'm saying .


julia said...

Thanks for writing this post. You are courageous to write about yourself so honestly. I hope things get better for you as time goes on.

The Paper Doll said...

Thank you for reading and the well wishes. I'll keep on truckin' on. Promise. :)